Relationships – Page 3 – I and Thou Reflections

Lessons Learned from Princess Diana – Lesson #8

Lesson #8: Be Kind

*Image Credit: David Gray / Reuters found in the Public Domain of Images*

Princess Diana was known for her kind heart and generous spirit. What small acts of kindness did Princess Diana perform? She may have been the first royal person to touch someone without gloves publicly and was the first to touch someone with HIV/AIDS. Her willingness to see eye-to-eye with her public was a gesture of warmth and kindness as the Princess frequently stooped down on her walkabouts, especially to her young fans.

To instill kindness in her sons, Princess Diana often took them to homeless shelters, hospitals, and orphanages to expose them to all sides of humanity. She did this to inspire them to help others as they matured into adulthood. Diana was indeed a “People’s Princess.”

Reflecting on kindness and my childhood, I saw random acts of kindness from my dad. Whenever he saw a friend or a neighbor walking, he would offer them a ride. My mom showed kindness when she picked up the phone from a friend in need. She would listen and provide encouragement. I often heard her do this as she would say, “A ha and hmm.”

In my first marriage, I tried to exhibit kindness, and I did so for many years. Until I broke. I could no longer be kind-hearted when I felt so downtrodden and disrespected. Children mimicking adult behavior. Poor choice of words. Poor choice of actions. I woke up and realized I had contributed to a situation where I no longer wanted to be a part. I had reached my limit of kindness. Kindness was no longer found in my home, and I could not be the glue anymore.

A kind person apologizes. A kind person tries to discover new ways to approach old wounds. A kind person is supportive. Encouraging. Loving. Life must be filled with kindness, or it no longer supplies the needed oxygen to survive.

Kindness was important for Princess Diana because it gave her a sense of purpose, happiness, and connection with others. It also makes a positive change in so many lives. In Parades, Princess Diana’s Legacy of Kindness, by Roisin Kelly, Ms. Kelly writes this about Princess Diana, “She believed that kindness was the best way to show love and compassion in a world that often suffers from the disease of feeling unloved.” And I believe it too! My life now is ruled by kindness. Kindness is the cornerstone of my marriage. My home. My relationships.

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*Written with the assistance of New Bing AI for research purposes

Lessons Learned from Princess Diana – Lesson #7

Lesson #7: Stand Up for What You Believe In

Princess Diana stood up for what she believed in. She used her voice to challenge the royal system and did things differently. Boy, did Diana do things differently. From breaking from the 1662 tradition of wedding vows, sending her boys to preschool, and wearing black at non-funeral events, she was a rebel in her own right.

Her subtle insistence. Her impish grin. Her brilliant mind. Princess Diana stood up for what she believed in and used her voice to advocate change. Once she realized she had a platform with the public, she wittingly raised awareness of taboo subjects such as HIV/AIDS, mental health, and banning landmines.

Princess Diana stood up for what she believed in by being a hands-on parent to her children. She went to great lengths to provide her children with “normal” kid things such as a Disney vacation, a McDonald’s happy meal, and participating in school events, such as the annual parent’s race, where Diana came in first place in 1988.** She broke royal protocol by being herself – a down-to-earth, fun-loving, jest-for-life person.

Marriage. Parenting. Divorce. Princess Diana stood up for what she believed in and lived a life where she instilled values of honesty, compassion, and kindness. She believed in fairness by fighting for a fair divorce settlement, including shared custody of her children. Diana worked tirelessly to provide a smooth transition for her children to limit the emotional damage divorce does to children. Above all else, she loved her children. She believed in them.

In reflecting on my life, standing up for what I believe in seemed to be a challenge for me. Most likely, stemming from childhood trauma. From that time forward, I felt that I had no voice. It took decades to realize these traumas impacted my relationships far more significantly than I realized then. First marriage. Parenting. Divorce. In my first marriage, I was viewing life through a particular lens. A lens that was colored. Dark. Unfocused. Unable to see the murkiness. Until one day. One day, it all came into focus. It was the day my then-husband did the unspeakable. All in a flash, I saw the truth. And pain.

I was willing to do the hard work, like Princess Diana, of speaking my truth, which enabled me to leave a broken marriage, better myself as a mother, and remarry and become the wife I was meant to be. Standing up for myself has allowed me to be free. Free from harsh words. Free from unkindness. Free from disrespect.

Like Diana, I, too, was a supportive mom to my sons in their growing-up years. I have been and always will be their best cheerleader. Princess Diana inspired millions of people around the world. I have inspired a few here and there too. Diana gradually realized she had a platform to use her voice over time as she gained more confidence as a royal. She also was “just a mom.” She used her voice to speak out against injustice and advocate change. Change in what vows are read at weddings, how we can parent and fulfill career responsibilities at the same time, and why it is necessary to have good mental health.

I am trying to be more like Diana. I speak about estrangement. It is an injustice. I want to bring awareness of how estrangement rips families apart. The other day, a Rabbi called it “psychological murder.” Although it seems harsh, I couldn’t agree more. Knowing your child lives somewhere but not exactly sure where, not having a way to tell whether he reads texts or emails, is like a slow death. Over and over. Each time the phone rings. Each time email is checked. Each time mail is retrieved from the mailbox. Will I ever hear from my son? Parents must be held accountable for alienating themselves, their children, their parents, and extended family members from others including, the other “targeted” parent. The court system must be held accountable for perpetuating broken relationships. Let’s fix it. Together. Together is better.

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*https://www.thelist.com/288119/14-times-princess-diana-broke-strict-royal-rules/
**https://www.newsweek.com/fact-check-princess-diana-break-royal-protocol-school-moms-race-1738917
Written with the assistance of new Bing AI for research purposes.

Lessons Learned from Princess Diana – Lesson #6

Lesson #6: Embrace Vulnerability

Image Source: hotcore dot info/babki/
lady-diana-cooper-quotes dot htm

Princess Diana used her public image and royal status to bring humility and honesty to the field of mental health. The life and legacy of Princess Diana embraced the vulnerability of others and, more poignantly herself. In her openness to her personal challenges, she may have unwittingly encouraged us all to confront our demons and seek professional help.

Princess Diana openly spoke about her battles with depression, self-doubt, and postpartum depression. By sharing her experiences, she humanized mental health issues and sparked conversations that were often considered taboo. This applied to her marriage woes as well. Diana had a knack for deeply relating to the public in many ways. After her troubled marriage became public knowledge, she openly discussed her challenges, allowing others struggling to feel seen and heard. She was a trailblazer.

As a teenager and young woman, I dreamed of creating a nurturing and safe space for my children. I imagined a warm and fuzzy place where heart-to-heart talks would be encouraged. I pictured two parents on the same page of the “Parenting Book.” But it didn’t end up that way as my children were growing up. The parents who I grew up with, that made me feel safe and loved and taught me how to be expressive by holding hands and kissing, were not the parents my children had. And yes, this still haunts me every now and again.

Reflecting on my journey of vulnerability as a parent, “I need to put on the oxygen mask first,” thinking comes to mind. I saw the benefit of counseling and sought it several times during and after my first marriage and a few times before my second marriage. I realized that two-way communication was the secret sauce in healthy relationships.

Good mental health requires people to be open and honest with themselves, their partners, and their children. Counseling requires hard introspective work, and many are just not ready to make that commitment. Often more time is needed to be ready for counseling. Or a fixed mindset prevents them from seeing the benefits of therapy or any help or assistance in general. It takes courage to acknowledge and express our true selves. Princess Diana showed the world that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but of strength that fosters connection, empathy, and understanding. All of which necessitate some form of communication.

A smile.
A warm touch.
A glance.
A laugh.
A text.
An email.
A phone call.

I acknowledge moments of self-doubt, uncertainty, and the poor navigating of the often-hard road that parenting requires. Yet, I did something right because my children turned out to be okay. Both graduated from top-notch universities. Both are independent. Both are genuinely kind people if you dig deep enough. I’m sure we could agree that healthy relationships are vital in today’s ever-changing world. Even tricky words, we occasionally need to hear, are worth the effort.

I and Thou: A Tribute to Mothers

A Vessel of Love

You are a mother, a giver of life,
and a vessel of love.

You are a mother, a source of strength,
and a spiritual rock.

You are a mother, a teacher,
and a light on a path.

You are a mother, a woman who inspires, uplifts,
and treasures relationships.

You are a mother, firmly rooted,
imparting wisdom to those who seek it.

You are a mother, an anchor, steadfast,
and unshakable.

You are a mother, who loves unconditionally,
no matter the circumstances.

You are a mother, a compassionate, kind,
and daughter of the Almighty.

You are a mother, a hopeful, inspirational,
and uplifting person.

You are a mother, a mother to many,
and a legacy to follow.

You are a mother, a precious creation,
to be celebrated today and every day.

*Image Credit: Mother & Son*
*Painting Valley dot com*

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

I and Thou: Pray for Renewal

Whatever your faith is, how satisfied are you with the relationships in your life? And what about those you have with the people you love? Or what about the relationships that are taking a sabbatical? How do we get these relationships back on track? It starts with YOU.

Could you use an uplifting word?
An abundant blessing?
A word of affirmation?
A word of kindness?
A word of grace?

YES!

What would it look like if we ALL prayed (or lifted us up to the Universe) each day for the next 40 days for RENEWAL? I could use some renewal – how about you?

PRAYER

O Mighty Creator of our Universe,

Touch us with your loving hand.
Show us how to give grace.
Fill us with your abundant love.
Renew each one of us.
So, we can transform our relationships,
Through the renewal of OURselves.

Amen

ASH WEDNESDAY

TODAY is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent for those of the Christian Faith.

According to LearnReligions.com:

Lent is the Christian season of spiritual preparation before Easter. In Western churches, it begins on Ash Wednesday. During Lent, many Christians observe a period of fasting, repentance, moderation, self-denial, and spiritual discipline. The purpose of the Lenten season is to set aside time for reflection on Jesus Christ —to consider his suffering and his sacrifice, his life, death, burial, and resurrection.

Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 4

To recap:

Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well
Lesson #2: Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality

This brings us to the next lesson.

Lesson #4: Sometimes it is Important to Break Protocol

Divorce

Two children and eleven years later, the famous royal couple, Charles and Diana, separated in 1992 and officially divorced in 1996. After the divorce, their relationship seemed to be less ruffled. After all, they had 50/50 custody of their children, and for the sake of the children, they each tried to do better. By this time, Diana had more or less accepted the inevitable: the relationship between Camilla and Charles was there to stay.

Death and Conundrums

One year later, Princess Diana left this earth in a tragic auto accident outside Paris. This was where it got wonky. Was there a protocol for this situation? Would she be treated as a royal member of the family? Or not? Queen Elizabeth was silent. The “institution” was quiet. There was no official announcement for five days. The public was outraged. How could this be?

Let’s set the stage.

Princess Diana, no longer a wife to Charles, was in France.
Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, and the boys, William and Harry, were vacationing at Balmoral Castle in Scotland.
The “institution” was in England.

So, to start with, the deadly news was shocking. Shocking to the royal family. Shocking to the rest of the world. Because the public admired Diana’s resilience, honesty, and relatability, many loved her, and the tragic impact was felt around the globe.

Royals are Human Too

The royal family did what most families would do under these circumstances. They came together in solidarity to make the necessary arrangements, which were a bit fuzzy. First, there was the logistical nightmare of where all the key players were at the time of the accident, as cited above. Second, Princess Diana was no longer a member of the royal family. Or was she? She was undoubtedly the mother of the future King of England and Prince Harry. Thirdly, there were high expectations of a royal funeral. After all, she was still the People’s Princess.

Diana’s Funeral & Broken Protocol

As the world began to mourn Diana’s death, it became apparent that a private funeral would not suffice.

A spokeswoman for the palace told reporters, “This is a unique funeral for a unique person.”
The Untold Truth Of Princess Diana’s Funeral (grunge.com)

Queen Elizabeth supported a private ceremony, while Prince Charles and Diana’s brother encouraged having a more significant event. We will never know why the Queen thought what she did. But by allowing the elaborate funeral procession, the Queen clearly said something without saying a word. (She broke protocol.) Queen Elizabeth also ordered the Union Flag to be flown at half-staff, another break from protocol. It was her way of, an apology of sorts. Perhaps from a mother-in-law who may not have responded as lovingly and kindly as she should have or may have even wanted to. Her bowing at the casket was a sincere tribute to Diana’s legacy.

Granny Elizabeth

After Diana’s death, Queen Elizabeth seamlessly stepped more concretely into her grandmother’s role. A role she grew fond of as the years went on. She was the boys’ rock and was instrumental in their grief journey.

Diana’s Legacy

Princess Diana, beautiful and graceful as she was, was human too. With her battle with bulimia, self-injury, and feelings of worthlessness, she brought a “freshness” to the monarchy as she became known as the “relatable” princess. With courage and bravery, she prioritized her mental health and sought help. Her actions brought significant awareness to mental health.

But what is often forgotten is that Diana was also a paradox: under the magnificently poised image she presented to the world, she struggled with bulimia, self-injury, and lingering feelings of worthlessness.
Princess Diana’s Legacy on Mental Health, Eating Disorders | Time

She did indeed relate to the public. She brought attention to so many issues. Her quiet yet charismatic personality charmed the world. Princess Diana’s life and death were tragic. The media responded with relentlessness, and the world responded with love.

Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 2

In a nutshell, the takeaway message from my previous post, “Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth, Part 1,” was this: duty and love rarely mix well. We looked at duty and love specifically through the eyes of the Church – between the Queen and her sister Margaret and her son Prince Charles. In both instances, all parties chose duty over love. In accordance with prevailing church doctrine, Queen Elizabeth denied her sister’s request to marry the divorced Mr. Townsend. And decades later, Queen Elizabeth dissuaded Prince Charles from pursuing Camilla.

In Part 2, we will see how love and this sense of duty became increasingly muddled as time passed. We go back to the early 1970s, when Queen Elizabeth’s son, Prince Charles, fell in love with Camilla. Although Charles was smitten with Camilla, his family disapproved. And the Queen made it quite clear that Camilla didn’t fit the mold for Prince Charles.

Lesson #2: Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
[Even if she IS the Queen]

Love and Worthiness

Most of us are familiar with the love affair of Camilla and Prince Charles. Meeting in 1971, it was widely reported that they had fallen head over heels for each. However, from the very start, this relationship would prove to be problematic. According to a book by Penny Junor, The Duchess: Camilla Parker Bowles and the Love Affair That Rocked the Crown, Camilla was not “perceived as aristocratic enough to be a princess.” Perhaps Queen Elizabeth didn’t think so either.

So, why was it so crucial for Queen Elizabeth to have a more “suitable” daughter-in-law? No one will know for sure, yet one can surmise it was due to the public’s perception that Camilla wasn’t “good enough.” In other words, this potential spouse of the prince would not be a positive role model. Would the future princess have what it took to be a royal? The Queen and many others no doubt didn’t think so.

Credit: Abstract Art by Maren Devine on Etsy.com

Questions to Ask

What does it mean to be “good enough?”

What does it mean to be a positive role model?

What does it mean to be a suitable wife to a future king?

In Proverbs 31, characteristics of a godly woman include lacking nothing of value, opening her arms to the poor, exhibiting dignity and strength, and speaking with wisdom. No one would argue that it would take a unique, powerful woman to hold such a public office. The potential princess must have a sound mind and a sense of duty to the monarchy and her husband.

Back to Queen Elizabeth. No one would argue that the Queen put duty first. Clearly, she did not see Camilla as a suitable wife for Charles. And consequently, she did what she could to derail the Camilla and Charles romance. Had the Queen minded her own business, Camilla could have very well been Prince Charles’ first and only wife. For him, it was a matter of love. For his mother, it was a matter of duty to the monarchy, the Church of England, and its traditions.

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Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 1

Image Credit: “Symbolic Transom” Religious Stained Glass Window (stainedglassinc.com)

Introduction

In the next few weeks, I will share my insight into relationships in the Royal Family. There is much to learn, I promise. We will look at key players and how they finally found love. We will begin with duty and love. And how at the end of the day, the Royal Family puts on pajamas like the rest of us.

Lesson #1: Duty and Love rarely mix well.

Duty and Love

I have been following the Royal Family in bits and pieces. I am no expert by any means. What seems so obvious to me was how Queen Elizabeth was torn between duty and love for her family. I felt it first in her affection for her sister, Margaret. She loved her so. I can only imagine how painful it was for Queen Elizabeth to deny Margaret from marrying her soulmate, Peter Townsend, who happened to be a divorcee. The Church had a lot to say about divorce in 1955.

Then, in the 1970s, I saw the Queen’s influence on Prince Charles and his secret love for Camilla, who, in the Queen’s eyes, was not worthy enough for him. Camilla was a “party” girl, and the Queen thought she would not be a suitable princess. This signaled a sense of duty weighing much more heavily than love. This baffled me as the greatest commandment is to love one another. Nowhere in The Bible does it say to love only rich people. Or love only those in one’s same socioeconomic class. Then, again, his divorce, public love, and marriage to Camilla in 2005 seemed to snub The Church and its anti-divorce platform.

Town & Country Magazine wrote, “A change in the Church of England’s rules about remarriage after divorce, which took effect in 2002, made it possible for Charles to marry Camilla. In an attempt to avoid controversy given their relationship history, the couple opted not to have a grand royal wedding, but instead married in a civil ceremony at the Guildhall in Windsor, and then had their marriage blessed by the Church in St. George’s Chapel. While the Queen approved of the marriage, she was not present at her son’s wedding ceremony. But she did attend the church blessing and reception.”

Fast forward to 2021. Prince Harry and Meghan. Not only did Prince Harry marry a divorced woman, but they were also married at St George’s Chapel in Windsor, England, where his father and Camilla received a blessing that preceded their civil marriage ceremony at Windsor Guildhall. We all are witnesses to the transformation that happened right in front of our eyes. In 16 short years, we went from a civil ceremony of Prince Charles and Camilla, two divorced royals, to a religious wedding ceremony in a cathedral of a divorced soon-to-be royal. I call that progress!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

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I and Thou: You Are Worthy!

You Are Worthy!

You are worthy of unconditional love.
You are worthy of self-identity.
You are worthy of self-esteem.
You are worthy of self-confidence.
You are worthy of clarity.
You are worthy of independence.
You are worthy of connection.
You are worthy of friendships.
You are worthy of parental love.
You are worthy of motherly love.
You are worthy of fatherly love.
You are worthy of spiritual love.
You are worthy of protection.
You are worthy to live in peace and not fear.
You are worthy of loving communication.
You are worthy of kind words.
You are worthy of unconditional love.
You are worthy of love from a child…

And so am I.

Image Credit: https://test.adultchildren.org/literature/aca-is/

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I and Thou: The Labor of a Diamond – Part 2

Photo Credit: found on https://www.thermofisher.com/blog/mining/the-diamond-shortage-the-hunt-for-kimberlite-and-new-high-quality-synthetics/

The Anatomy of a Diamond

In The Labor of a Diamond Part 1, you learned how and why diamonds are precious and rare. You also learned how complicated they are – from the scientific perspective of temperature, pressure, carbon, and crystals. Then, we went down the rabbit hole of an “old boys network.” Today, we start with its anatomy.

Have you ever wondered why a diamond looks the way it does? Do you even know the language used to describe diamonds? In the next few posts, a deeper dive into the mystery of diamonds will be explored, including the five c’s of carat, cut, color, clarity, and confidence. First, we start with the anatomy of a diamond, which has five parts. One facet will then be compared or contrasted to an aspect of a relationship between two people. Ready?

Picture an upside-down triangle where the point is at the bottom. Then, picture a trapezoid. Place the trapezoid on top of the upside-down triangle. Now, let’s place three points on the top of the trapezoid and three on the bottom, each equidistant to the other, with the last point at the bottom point of the triangle. You should have seven points on this image which is how we can imagine each section. Are you with me so far?

Table, Crown, and Girdle

The top three points of the flat line at the top of the diamond are called the Table. The Crown is the distance between the middle point of the top and bottom lines of the trapezoid. It is the top portion of a diamond, from the Girdle to the Table, where the Girdle is the bottom line of the trapezoid at its widest length. It is also known as the setting edge, where the diamond is held in the jewelry setting. I call it the base where the diamond sits in its setting.

Pavilion and Culet

The bottom point of the upside-down triangle, vertically up to the middle point of the bottom line of the trapezoid, is called the Pavilion. It is the lower part of the diamond. The Culet is the bottom point of the upside-down triangle, the bottom of the diamond. The middle point from the trapezoid’s top to the bottom point of the upside-down triangle is called the Depth. It is the height of the diamond from the Culet to the Table. So, are you with me so far? To identify the parts of a diamond, you will need to differentiate between Table, Pavilion, Culet, Crown, and Girdle.

Is what you pictured in your mind bear any resemblance to this?

Graphic Credit: https://mintdiamonds.com/pages/step-5-2-anatomy-of-a-diamond

Thoughts and Feelings

Is the anatomy of a diamond relevant? I’d say yes! What girl wouldn’t want to know more about diamonds? It is a girl’s best friend, right? Knowing anatomy provides a framework to discuss systems and processes like a diamond in a box with clear parameters and precise dimensions. A relationship, however, is different – certainly not something that can be put in a box! Sure, a basic understanding of systems and processes still applies here. However, there are more intrinsic elements to consider, such as thoughts and feelings, which will be a scrambled mess at some point in a relationship.

A Scrambled Mess

How can you prevent a scrambled mess? By listening to the unspoken word. People may respond to situations based on their childhood experiences, including wounds and traumas they may not even know they have. If your partner overreacts, dig deep and ask them about it. What is the unspoken word here? Ask them about their past thoughts and feelings.

I remember my first boyfriend. Captain of the track team. Rival school. Water-skier. Boater. Fun kind of guy. Plus, he had a driver’s license. He bought me a tiger’s eye necklace. I loved it! But then he broke up with me. From that moment on, I associated pain with Tiger’s Eye. See? A scrambled mess!

So, the next time you ask your partner if they would like a Tiger’s Eye, don’t be surprised if they want a Diamond instead!

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