Tag: #acceptance

April is Stress Awareness Month – Part 8

The 8 Stages of Estrangement
Looking at Both Sides of a Coin

From a Parent’s Perspective

Stage 7 | Fear

This stage involves non-estranged children. It is the fear and anticipation of potential estrangement from another child. After estrangement, fear clouds the relationship between a parent and the non-estranged child. This fear negatively influences parenting decisions. A parent will discipline the non-estranged child less frequently. A parent will adjust their communication for fear that something said will trigger the non-estranged child to estrange. Is the fear realistic? For a parent who has lost a valued relationship with one child – the fear is real – it is a perceived danger and potential threat. The risk of losing another family connection is constantly lurking in the subconscious. The relationship is fragile, and a parent wants to guard it to ensure it does not break. Respecting adult children and their choices is vital for a healthy relationship.

I fear that my other son will stop speaking to me too. I realize this is irrational, yet the thought sneaks into my mind every day. I find the fear paralyzing at times.

A parent’s perspective

Living and parenting with the fear of another estrangement is overwhelming. It is a difficult stage to endure, and learning to live day-by-day keeps worries at bay and is a worthy goal. As the non-estranged child matures, the fear of estrangement may dissipate based on their behaviors and communication. Furthermore, this fear extends to all future relationships as well. Remember this when meeting, introducing, and welcoming others.

Artist Credit: Silvia Pelissero, Agness Cecile’s World of Watercolor – Mayhem & Muse

From a Child’s Perspective

Stage 7 | Acceptance Part 2

Children at this stage have accepted estrangement as a way of life. They realize that time has passed, and they and the estranged parent have become different people. If the child has undergone therapy or is questioning their role in the estrangement, they may consider reconnecting. Children at this step are curious. They are interested to know whether what others tell them is true. They meet other people and begin to realize that every family is flawed. All families have struggles.

I wonder what my mother thinks of me. I wonder if she even cares. When I was growing up it seemed that she only cared about herself. I have done a lot of inward work and I might want to reach out one day and see how my mother is. But for now, I like my life just the way it is right now.

A child’s perspective

This stage requires the child to do the necessary emotional work that needs to be done. Children realize they are not the same people they were at the initial point of estrangement and recognize that their parents may have also grown and matured into a person they just might want to engage with. As maturation progresses, they may feel a void. They may have exasperated an issue. They begin to accept themselves for who they are and who they have become.

#Estrangement #NadiaCraneAuthor #8StagesofEstrangement #Fear #Acceptance

April is Stress Awareness Month – Part 7

The 8 Stages of Estrangement
Looking at Both Sides of a Coin

From the Parent’s Perspective

Stage 6 | Acceptance Part II

Once the anger has dissipated, a parent can start the next phase of Acceptance Part 2. Parents may consider self-help activities such as journaling, painting, or meditation at this stage. To begin this part of the journey, parents need to reflect. Reflect on their relationship with the estranged child, as well as on their own childhood relationship with their parents. A note of caution for this stage. Reflection can be emotionally draining. So, be aware of what is happening physically. Check breathing, heart rate, and sweating. Pay attention to the body’s physical reactions. Stop or take a break from reflecting when it feels uncomfortable.

After years of feeling unheard, I joined a support group for Estranged Parents. It really helped me in so many ways. I can now accept the estrangement for what it is and not blame myself anymore. This is something my child initiated and only they can change it. I am open to reconciliation. I am hopeful that one day my child will see how much I have grown to accept and respect decisions. I don’t have to agree. I just have to accept. It is so sad to know that estrangement has exploded in recent years; yet it brings a sense of relief – that I am not alone in this nightmare.

A parent’s perspective

In this stage, a parent accepts the estrangement as part of a bigger picture whereby a child may not have estranged willingly. Or thoughtfully. Or knowingly that the estrangement would last for months, years, or decades. During this phase, the parent reflects on the hidden pain and/or trauma the child may have had or perceived they had. The Acceptance Stage also acknowledges that a child may not know how to reconcile. It is the phase where compassion for the estranged child and their pain begins.

Moreover, this step comes to terms with a child making “no contact” and respecting the decision. This stage is a promising one. Once a parent has accepted the estrangement as part of life’s circumstances, a parent can start to let go of the past and realize that there may be no future with an estranged child. A parent should no longer attempt to mail letters, send friend requests, and ask others who may know the child for any information. Parents need to use their judgment. There is a no one size fits all. It might be okay if a parent wishes to send a birthday greeting each year. It is the realization of the reason behind the action. Is the action for the parent? Or, for the child, in an attempt to invade their privacy or expect a response?

This stage is challenging, especially for hopeful and generally optimistic people. Thinking that reconciliation may happen someday conjures up visions of unicorns and torture. The goal of Acceptance Part 2 is peace and respect for oneself and others, including an estranged child.  Some parents may call this radical acceptance. Furthermore, it is the process of stepping back from the estrangement and finally moving forward with life and having a purpose.

Image Credit: Freepik dot com Multicolored Tie Dye Fabric Surface

From the Child’s Perspective

Stage 6 | Fear

Fear is the stage when the child begins to mature and change. They fear the unknown. They fear getting to know themselves. They fear having made bad decisions. They fear their parent has disowned them. Or the parent no longer wishes them to be a part of their life. In this stage, children fear the other parent or anyone who has aided in the estrangement. What will that parent do if the child reaches out and attempts a reconciliation? It is common in this stage to question the motives. The child has felt manipulated in the past and fears feeling manipulated again.

My aunt sent me an email with the subject: Your Parents. When I clicked in, there was nothing. Something must have gone wrong technically. I googled my parents’ names and obituary, and nothing came up. I concluded that my aunt was trying to manipulate me into getting back into contact with my parents. I blocked her name on my email, and now I won’t have to fear any more emails again.

A child’s perspective

Older adult children drop out of a parental relationship to avoid unwanted input. Some of these adult children estrange from their parents to protect their children. Adult children fear their parents, and they fear becoming like their parents with their own children. Hence, the reason for cutting the parents out of their lives. For mentally weak-minded people, it takes a lot less energy with a smaller circle of friends and relatives.

Author’s Note: Estrangement caused me to feel unloved, and I knew I needed to love myself before I could love others again. From my experience in participating in support groups with other estranged parents, there is a choice to make. You can choose to blame, distrust, and be bitter. Or, you can choose to love and heal yourself, from this incredibly harrowing experience, by opening up to others. It’s up to you. A special thank you to Kathryn Kollowa, EdD, MSN, RN, for her feedback and added insights incorporated in this most recent update.

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#Estrangement #NadiaCraneAuthor #8StagesofEstrangement #Acceptance #Fear

I and Thou: Guitars, Sand, Surf & Kids

Guitars, Sand, Surf

Nursery school, pre-school, kindergarten,
Playing dress-up, building blocks, and learning to read.
Kids Kamp, pre-cherub, t-ball,
Singing, crafting, and swinging a bat.
…Mothers loving arms cradle.

First grade, second grade, third grade,
Reading, writing, and more writing.
Cub scouts, choir, Tai Kwon Do,
Pinewood derbies, musicals, and orange belts.
…Mothers loving arms cuddle.

Fourth grade, fifth grade, sixth grade,
Science conventions, school plays, and cell phones.
Bike parades, circus tents, fireworks,
Summers swimming in lakes and pools.
…Mothers loving arms snuggle.

Seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade,
Smart mouths spewing bratty words.
Clarinets, guitars, trombones,
Sitting on stage and playing so proudly.
…Mothers loving arms grow weary.

Tenth grade, eleventh grade, twelfth grade,
Internalizing questions not ready to ask.
Tennis lessons, football, and lacrosse,
Scoring a touchdown, goal, or 15-love.
…Mothers loving arms start separating.

Red robe, mortar, tassel,
Processing to pomp and circumstance.
Protecting, guiding, parental role,
Unfair situation hoisted upon.
…Mothers loving arms feel empty.

Glimpses, shadows, silence,
Gradually disappearing from plain view.
Suitcase, car, gasoline,
Interstate highways across the country.
…Mothers loving arms love from afar.

Apartment, condo, house,
No known address to be found.
Sand, pebbles, white beaches,
Relocation destination miles and miles due west.
…Mothers loving arms feel forgotten.

Surfing, kayaking, lifeguarding,
Commanding waters to abide.
Instructing, directing, tutoring,
Strategically working to earn a degree.
…Mothers loving arms feel so helpless.

Black robe, mortar, royal blue sash,
Graduating livestream with purple Lai.
Congratulating, celebrating, handshaking,
Proud parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
…Mothers loving arms clap so loudly.

Holidays, birthdays, special events,
A seat empty and waiting to be filled.
Cheering, shouting, echoing,
Come back, come back. We miss you so.
…Mothers loving arms open wide.

Doors open, gifts waiting, keeping watch,
All hands-on deck for arrival.
Excitedly, gathering, anticipating,
Patiently waiting for return.
…Mothers loving arms extend further.

Harry Potter, Pokemon, laser tag,
Birthdays celebrated in movie theaters and fun places.
Red belt, brown belt, black belt,
Memories of yesteryear.
…Mothers loving arms holding a camera to commemorate occasions.

Living, accepting, healing,
Life is rapidly speeding by.
Glorious, celebration, awaits,
Slaughter the chocolate-covered insects.
…Mothers loving arms embrace once again.

Artist Credit: Lonely Guy on Sea Coast by Mykola Nisolovskyi (royalty-free)

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