Estrangement – Page 2 – I and Thou Reflections

April is Stress Awareness Month – Part 4

The 8 Stages of Estrangement
Looking at Both Sides of a Coin

From a Parent’s Perspective

Stage 3 | Rejection

Rejection is an emptiness and a feeling of loss that causes physical and emotional stress. The rejection of a parent by a child is a traumatic experience. It is very much related to power and control. A child has exerted influence and control over the relationship by walking away from it, which is hurtful. Reactions such as anxiety, panic attacks, and other physical pain or stress occur when rejection occurs. If estrangement happens during a divorce, a rejection by a child can add fuel to the fire of feeling rejected by the spouse. Sometimes, an entire set of relatives and friends disappear in what may seem like an instant. During this stage, a parent feels physically and emotionally depleted. Lost. Loss of a child. Loss of a marriage. Loss of a family. Loss of what was. Loss of what was to be

I feel rejected by my son because he doesn’t even acknowledge me. He walks right past me with his head down. I hate seeing my son in so much pain. It makes me sick to my stomach. And I have so much pain too. The pain of rejection runs so deep.
A parent’s perspective

From a Child’s Perspective

Stage 3 | Anger

Remember that these stages ebb and flow, and each person will experience them differently. Certainly, most will travel in and between stages simultaneously as well as distinctly from each other. In this Anger stage, children want nothing to do with their parents. They are angry. They are mad about something and might not even know what makes them angry. It could be a misunderstanding. It could have nothing to do with the parent. It may be from social media. Whatever it is, the child feels anger, spewing it out on their parent or further harming themselves by bottling their anger within or maybe a little of both.

The adult child may resent that their parent(s) didn’t see their distress. They felt unheard. The anger might stem from their birth order, political differences, or something else. They view their parent(s) as toxic. In their perspective, they see their parent as a stumbling block to their own mental health. It is easier for them to break off and cut the opposition out of their lives. The child does not see a way back at this stage. It is not in the realm of their consciousness.

I don’t know why I am so angry. I don’t know what my triggers are. My anger comes from nowhere, and I don’t know how to tame it. I lash out at my parents, and they just don’t understand. I don’t understand, either. My parents are know-it-alls, and that fuels my anger too.
A child’s perspective

Author’s Note: Estrangement caused me to feel unloved, and I knew I needed to love myself before I could love others again. From my experience in participating in support groups with other estranged parents, there is a choice to make. You can choose to blame, distrust, and be bitter. Or, you can choose to love and heal yourself, from this incredibly harrowing experience, by opening up to others. It’s up to you. A special thank you to Kathryn Kollowa, EdD, MSN, RN for her feedback and added insights incorporated in this most recent update.

#Estrangement #NadiaCraneAuthor #8StagesofEstrangement #Rejection #Anger

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April is Stress Awareness Month – Part 3

The 8 Stages of Estrangement
Looking at Both Sides of a Coin

From a Parent’s Perspective

Stage 2 | Acceptance Part 1

Once the denial phase is over, a parent begins to accept the concept of estrangement. A parent first seeks to understand the growing number of estranged parent-child relationships by scouring the internet for possible resources. A parent may not even know how commonplace it is and can quickly become an expert on the topic realizing other parents have encountered a similar situation. In this Acceptance Part 1 step, a parent acknowledges that the parent-child relationship has changed. Often, family and friends ask why did this happen? Or, what caused this estrangement?

I’m starting to realize that my child is not speaking to me. At all. He won’t even look at me from afar. What have I done to deserve this punishment? I take a deep breath and I start to believe that my child has deliberately estranged from me. I don’t know why. But I have to come to terms with it. I am so sad for my child that they think this is the only course of action. What makes them so afraid of me that they can’t even talk to me?
A parent’s perspective

This stage is confusing for all parties because the estranged parent is just starting to come to terms with the reality of the lost relationship. Parents need clarification. They don’t know the answers. And these questions may very well trigger sadness. Anger. Emotions come out of nowhere. Accepting the estrangement, even on a superficial level, exposes it, which leads to feeling very vulnerable. Daily living becomes muddled. Parents feel a sense of imbalance and try to come to face the loss. This can invoke feelings of worthlessness.

It is best to support parents going through this experience at this stage. Sit with them. Hold their hand. Give them a hug. Silence may be golden. At this point, reconnection can become an obsession. A parent attempts to discover the reasons for the estrangement and remains hopeful for reconciliation. During this stage, a parent realizes that the relationship that once was is no longer. Coming to terms with this acceptance leads to rejection. Furthermore, feeling both accepting of the situation and rejection by it simultaneously is quite common.

*The ghost of a loved one by Chirila Corina fineart.com*

From a Child’s Perspective

Stage 2 | Rejection

Children reject a parent. Maybe both parents. This is the stage where a child shuts down. They are rejecting life as they know it. Whether it is from a misperceived conversation, different ideologies, divorce, or a loss of a parent. They want to be alone. They retreat. They start having trouble focusing on work or school. They really want to be somewhere else. They feel trapped because there may be no other place to turn. Children at this stage may look forward to becoming more independent, so they can further reject their current situation.

To put it simply: the emotional exhaustion of trying to reason with someone who isn’t existing on the same page as I am. Trying to reason or share or grow with someone who cannot or will not see outside of their own perspective is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer over and over; you know it isn’t good, but you feel stuck. Until you get tired of being stuck. You begin to reject the relationship because it is too much of an emotional drain.
A child’s perspective

At this stage, a child may be influenced by the other parent, a peer, their spouse, or another significant person. The third-party encourages the estrangement. The person who is doing the estranging feels guilty. At the same time, they feel rejected. In other words, they feel abandoned by the parent; therefore, they are leaving the parent. Most children do not verbalize these feelings, so it catches the parent off-guard. The child may have been thinking about estrangement for many years. It gradually does become a reality.

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April is Stress Awareness Month – Part 2

The 8 Stages of Estrangement
Looking at Both Sides of a Coin

From a Parent’s Perspective

Stage 1 | Denial

Denial is not believing a situation exists. It is pretending that the estrangement is not real and hoping it will disappear. Surely, a child cannot estrange themselves from a parent. What type of child would do that? Denial is a normal response and is the path of least resistance. It is typically short-term. Denial is a defense mechanism wishing the estrangement is not absolute, and normalcy will return. It can include feelings of shock or bewilderment. Eventually, acceptance of the situation replaces denial, whether the parent likes it or not. In death, denial does not want to believe a loved one has passed on from this world onto the next. However, in estrangement, the loved one vanishes into unknown territory. Once parents understand that estrangement is part of their reality, Acceptance Part 1 begins.

My son blocked me from social media and stopped communicating. He was sixteen. I had just separated from his father. I tried endlessly to reconnect to no avail. At the time, I had no idea that this behavior would last this long. I thought it was temporary. Where did my son go? Ten-plus years later, other than the separation and divorce, I still do not know what triggered the estrangement.
A parent’s perspective

Shame Art Print by Haufi Ficoure available at Society 6

From a Child’s Perspective

Stage 1| Shame & Blame

Estrangement begins when a child questions their existence within their family structure. They ask themselves, why am I here? Children feel shame. They blame themselves for their family’s struggles and hardships. They may see their parents on two different pages. In this beginning stage of estrangement, children start fantasizing about leaving the family or, at minimum, stop talking to one, if not both, of their parents. They are internalizing their emotions and not being allowed to share their feelings safely. Or they don’t have the tools necessary to think through their feelings constructively. They feel threatened. They blame their parents. They blame the school system. They blame politics. They blame science. They blame religion. Lots of blame to go around. Therefore, in their minds, leaving or blocking communication solves the immediate threat.

My mom and dad fought endlessly. I was young and couldn’t really process what was happening. I felt it was my fault. I blamed myself, and I wanted the whole situation to just go away. It felt like I was living in a nightmare. I wrote in a letter to my mother if she signed the divorce papers, I wouldn’t speak to her again. Ten-plus years later, I had no idea that my father was the one who filed for divorce.
A child’s perspective

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Today is National Reconciliation Day!

Hello? Is anyone home?
Go Ahead…Call or Text & Say Hello

What is National Reconciliation Day, and why must we spread the word?

First, National Reconciliation Day brings awareness to the brokenness of relationships around us. What would it look like if estranged young adult children knew there was a day to think about reconnecting with a parent they haven’t spoken to for years?

Second, by spreading the word, people will start thinking about their relationships or perhaps about someone they know who may need to reconcile.

Here is information from another post:

National Reconciliation Day, which is on April 2nd each year, urges us to repair relationships that have been damaged through hurtful words or actions. While many different “Days of Reconciliation” are held worldwide, this observance occurs each year on April 2nd.

PLEASE SHARE, AND SHARE, & SHARE.

April is Stress Awareness Month – Part 1

*“Two Estranged Friends Renew Their Argument,” by Patrick O’Donnell. 2011, (photographed by Jeff Dykes – Edited by Anonymous).*

Estrangement is Stressful – Part 1

Deviating from the norm of this blog, writings will be shared over the next few weeks to bring light and hope to families experiencing the gut-wrenching experience of estrangement. Estrangement is when one person stops speaking and responding to another person. It could be siblings. It could be friends. It could be extended family members. It could be a child from a parent. In these writings, over the next few weeks, the focus will be on the experience of a mother whose son went “no contact” to her and her family. The original article of The 8 Stages of Estrangement can be found on this blog, dated April 2022. This year includes how a child may feel from their perspective to bring awareness to both sides of estrangement.

The 8 Stages of Estrangement
Looking at Both Sides of a Coin

Introduction

Estrangement is not normal, so the rules of normalcy do not apply. There are eight stages of estrangement. For this series of writings, a child refers to any child at any age, including teenagers, young adults, and older adult children. The estrangement in this writing is from a personal experience, a mother from a son. The audience of these writings is “good-enough” parents and children. Not children raised by parents who suffered from addictions were alcoholics or regularly abused their children. Nor to parents who raised mentally ill children, drug addicts, or who were excessively abusive. These words are offered to middle- to upper-middle-class families who, for no apparent reason other than divorce, caused a child to abandon one or both of their parents.

I know the depth of my love for my child and the void in my heart. I feel the intensity of pain that never seems to go away.
I ask myself why?
Why me?
Why my child?
A parent’s perspective

Estrangement is loss. It is grief. It is a relationship that once was and is no longer.

I finally feel free!
I no longer have to deal with my crazy mother.
My father told me she was crazy and she sure was!
She smothered me.
I couldn’t breathe.
I felt forced into so many activities, I was exhausted.
A child’s perspective

These writings will use the five stages of grief as a springboard to define the estrangement process. There is plenty of information on the internet regarding grief. According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, experiencing what she describes as five stages of grief, regardless of order or even vacillating between each one, will lead to healing. Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

In estrangement, similar components are necessary for dealing with, healing, and moving forward. These stages can be interchangeable and ebb and flow between, forward, and backward from each of the eight steps. This process can take years or even decades to complete in estrangement. The eight stages of estrangement (from the parent’s perspective) are:

1. Denial
2. Acceptance Part I
3. Rejection
4. Shame & Blame
5. Anger
6. Acceptance Part II
7. Fear
8. Healing

From the child’s perspective, the one who is doing the estranging are:

1. Shame & Blame
2. Rejection
3. Anger
4. Acceptance Part 1
5. Denial/Rationalization
6. Fear
7. Acceptance Part 2
8. Healing

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National Reconciliation Day

is
April 2!

Adult children are estranging from members of their families (siblings and/or parents and not to mention extended family members) at an alarming rate. I am not talking about abusive, toxic, or those with addictions. I am speaking about parents who were “good enough” mothers and/or fathers. The ones who drove their kids to school made lunches daily and registered them for after-school activities.

No matter how short the estrangement has been, both parties have grown and changed. There may be space for radical acceptance. Help us spread the word that it is OKAY to reach out and attempt to reconnect with a loved one.

Let’s get proactive!

Spread the news, so estranged children see this message.

APRIL 2 IS NATIONAL RECONCILIATION DAY

What is National Reconciliation Day, and why must we spread the word?

First, National Reconciliation Day brings awareness to the brokenness of relationships around us. What would it look like if our ECs knew there was a day to think about reconnecting with us? Please share this information broadly.

Second, by spreading the word, people will start thinking about their relationships or perhaps about someone they know who may need to reconcile.

Here is information from another post:

HOW TO OBSERVE National Reconciliation Day

Take that step and make amends.
It’s not too late. Reach out to that friend or loved one and make a fresh start.
Accept the olive branch when it is offered.
Share your experiences of reconciliation.

RECONCILIATION FAQ

Q. How does one reconcile with another?

A. It may seem like a challenging task. Fear and bitterness often prevent us from taking the necessary steps. One of the best ways is simply by offering an invitation for coffee. Choose a neutral place to talk. Sometimes it takes an apology but don’t expect one. It’s more important to repair the relationship than to dredge up history. Another simple way is to reach out by text, phone, or email.

Q. What gets in the way of reconciliation?

A. There are many reasons why reconciliation fails. Some of them include the following:

Pride
Lack of forgiveness
Lack of perspective
Resentment
Living in the past

Please share with everyone you can. Let’s get this on social media, TikTok, Instagram, Reddit, and Twitter. Ask Libraries, schools-colleges, and Churches to put up posters………. If you google National Reconciliation Day, you will find lots of information.

All it might take is a cup of coffee!!!

Or a text???

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I and Thou: Enduring Love

Help me to understand what will open an adult child’s heart,
To a mother who loves from the bottom of hers.

Enduring Love

Inhale, exhale, breathe
Radiant, brilliant, love…
Angelic, darling, blessing
Heartwarming, tender, love…
Soft, innocent, canvas
Soaking, smothering, love…
Tantrums, reasoning, scolding
Defiance, anger, love…
One sided, myopic, headstrong
Dagger, piercing, love…
Words, spoken, unspoken
Heartbroken, apologetic, love…
Emotions, escalating, uncontrollable
Turmoil, conflict, love…
Exposure, external, culture
Influential, distant, love…
Literal, physical, separation
Wretched, incomplete, love…
Conjectures, puzzles, confusion
Murky, respectful, love…
Reflections, introspection, self-identity
Safety, security, love…
Vulnerable, open, inviting
Reparations, acceptance, love…
Changing, growing, maturing
Compassionate, enduring, love.

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I and Thou: Forgive Me

Art Credit: A Forgiving Heart by Fania Simon

Forgive Me

Forgive my crushed spirit.
Forgive my loving eyes.
Forgive my hurtful words.
Forgive my lack of attention.
Forgive my different wavelengths.
Forgive my trivial treasures.
Forgive my unmet expectations.
Forgive my passing judgments.
Forgive my lengthy inaction.
Forgive my jealous thoughts.
Forgive my coveting of others.
Forgive my impatience.
Forgive my open wounds.
Forgive my sweet gaze.

I and Thou: Knock, Knock

Knock, Knock

Crying out to the Lord,
Where are you, Sir?

The Lord of the universe,
Hello, anybody out there?

Crying out again to the Lord,
Why must I suffer this profound loss?

Bowing head in reverence,
Asking to change hearts and minds.

The Lord of the universe,
Where are you, Sir?

Are you listening?
Can you hear me screaming?

Anguish, hallow, pit,
Drip, drip, drip.

Insides swirling and twirling,
Lamenting, questioning – a crisis of faith.

Don’t you care?
Where are you, Sir?

“My child, you are most precious to me,
I am right here, beside you.“

“Go ahead and put your head on my shoulder,
It is okay to cry and be heartbroken.“

And, in all of this deep despair,
A gentle voice whispers, “I love you.”

Graphic Credit: The Perseus Galaxy Cluster greatbigcanvas.com

I and Thou: Keep it Short

Short & Pithy
Let it go.
Work at it.
Establish boundaries.
Keep it light.
Have fun.
Talk it out.
Be there.
Provide space.
Stay connected.
Together is better.

Let it go…
can you really let it go? I’m not sure. We can strive to let it go, and maybe asking God for help isn’t such a bad idea.

Work at it…
to me, anything worthwhile must be earned. For two people to have a relationship, work needs to be done. Whether the person is your Team Leader at work or your spouse. All relationships require work by two people.

Establish boundaries…
you hear about boundaries quite a bit. It seems to be a buzzword of the past few decades. For instance, the Boundaries book by Dr. Townsend & Dr. Cloud. The woman takes on so many church responsibilities that she is drowning because she doesn’t know how to say “no.” It is vital to one’s sanity to establish boundaries. I don’t think anyone would argue this point. Yet, setting limits to protect oneself and not thinking of the other person’s perspective doesn’t seem right to me.

Keep it light…
life is short, and I think I am way too serious, but it is my nature, and I have to work at having fun and keeping it light. For those who have the gift of being able to keep it light – what is your secret? I’d love to know.

Have fun…
to me, this is like keeping it light. To have fun, I try to surround myself with fun people. I find that fun people tend to spread the fun. I need to find more fun people!

Talk it out…
ah! This one is good. I love to talk, and I value communication. Communication is one of my strengths, so it is second nature for me to engage in a conversation unless a conflict is mixed in because that causes me to freeze up and shut down. I feel offended and sad when someone doesn’t want to talk to me. So, now that I know this about myself, I am responsible for letting those who love me understand this. Therefore, partners need to find out how important communication is and by what means it is most valued. Since I had spent so much of my work life on the phone, the phone is not my favorite. Text messages and short emails work best for me. What works best for you?

Be there…
just showing up is essential. Either in person, through a gift, or an email. Partners need to be there. Make time. Figure out your love languages and go from there. We all communicate differently. Find out what works for you and your partner. Being there…also reminds me of having someone’s back. This “have your back” is far more critical than I had ever realized. I’m glad I know how this feels.

Provide space…
who doesn’t need space? Provide space to develop separately, as a couple, or as a work team. The tricky part is knowing when to ebb and flow. Once you find people who know how to ebb and flow with and around you, you have a great circle of friends.

Stay connected…
it really doesn’t take much to stay in touch, especially in this day in age of social media. I’m not suggesting being online eight hours a day. Perhaps treating your family, friends, and coworkers as a garden that needs watering every so often might be nice. I promise you will reap rewards that you can’t even imagine. I met a colleague who told me she reaches out to five people on LinkedIn weekly. That is what works for her.

Together is better…
in most cases, I wholeheartedly agree! Together is better when two people wish to get to know each other and want the other person in their lives. Without grievous infractions, miscommunications can be resolved through authentic introspection and the willingness to accept different thoughts from yours. People create walls around themselves and find it challenging to peek through the cracks. But, once they do, I think they will be surprised by how much love they will receive. After all, love is everything – isn’t it?